My Easter Sunday

We went over to my pal Mickey’s house. Mickey and family made us brunch. Neat.

Mickey has a dog called Lilly. She’s adorable. She’s also in heat! Saying “a dog is in heat” is a nice way of broadcasting to the male dogs in an 8 mile radius to “give me babies now. Lots and lots of babies….or try your damnedest to do so.” How exciting, right? For a time, Lilly wore a diaper because her bidness wanted babies and stuff was coming out of places.

Who’s hungry?!

Mickey has a brother-in-law, John, who has a couple dogs. One of said dogs is called Eddie. Eddie is a male dog.

Queue “Ghost” pottery scene music. Yeah, I know name of the song, but “’Ghost’ pottery scene music” sounds so much better, doesn’t it? I like the visual of two dogs reenacting that scene too. You see two paws on the clay…then two more paws….seriously, Disney couldn’t think this shit up.

So, we are having Easter brunch on what seems like a glorious day. We’re eating outside, and Mr. Sunshine and his two scoops have pulled up a seat.

Mickey and his wife have their immediate family over, and there is a group of us sitting at the table eating our quiche. Quiche. Oh my gosh quiche. Who knew eggs and spinach and peppers and onions could get along so well together? I know now, and knowing about quiche makes me a grown-up. Goodbye overalls, I’m a man now.

Well, you have your setting. Outside. Family. Quiche.

Then Eddie, who has been fixed, pulls up to Lilly like we pull up a rocking chair to get closer to the fireplace. Now, I know dogs have different brains than humans. But we cannot underestimate pain. Eddie HAS to remember getting fixed, right? Surely he knows he’s shooting blanks, right?

No. No is the answer.

Over the next hour at brunch, Eddie proceeds to hump Lilly like the world will end if he doesn’t. Maybe he knew something we didn’t. Maybe he was in fact saving the world. He’s like the “Men in Black” of dogs. Just saving the world one humped bitch at a time, without the humans really knowing what he’s up to. I’m allowed to say ‘bitch’ here. I’m a grown-up, remember?

The over/under on how many times we stopped Eddie humping Lilly is 40. In an hour. 40 times. [Eddie humps] “No Eddie!” [continued conversation] [someone notices Eddie humping] “No Eddie!” Repeat.

Eddie must do crunches every night before he goes to sleep. My abs hurt just watching the poor fella and his exercise of futility. I bet he did 500 crunches before the day was over. Can dogs get hernia surgery?

We are to blame really. Why not separate the dogs? Well, we were having quiche, that’s why. Look, if you’re not going to pay attention to the story, I don’t know why I’m even telling it.

Ever walk into a house where someone is making double fudge brownies? They JUST put them out on the table, and THEN THEY have the AUDACITY to tell you not to eat them? You end up with a burnt roof of your mouth and brownie all over your white overa—jeans. All over your white jeans. Someone might catch you in the act, but you keep trying, right? Eddie understood the word ‘no,’ but it sure as hell didn’t register. It was like he was sleepwalking. I wonder if anyone has ever moonwalked while sleepwalking.

SIDE CONVERSATION: ("Hey look at that guy. He's moonwalking...wow, pretty good too."

"No, he's sleepwalking. He doesn't even know he's doing it...or that he's that frickin' good. Wow. look at that guy."

Sloonwalking. Or has that already taken for when you walk into a saloon. OH! What happens if you moonwalk, while sleepwalking, while walking into a saloon!?! I need a nap.)

Anyway, he was completely out of control.

The moral of the story is this: you can fix you animals all you want. But love will overcome.